there she is again

somehow she knows where i live

She’s been peering out at me from behind sharp corners again. Oftentimes I can hear her shallow inhales and nervous giggles- scared to be caught. She’s not as sneaky as she thinks, that little one. I always know when she’s watching. I like to tease her, hinting that I sense her presence, looking underneath my bed and inside kitchen cabinets- almost like a game of hot or cold. Once I get too warm her little feet begin tapping against the floor as she flutters away quickly, giggling, excited. I know she’ll be back soon.

The other day she followed me home. As I was enjoying a card game of Palace over Hibiscus Cinnamon Tea with my childhood best friend late at night, there she was. She was less scared to be caught this time- the friends she was with must’ve given her confidence. I heard lots of ruckus outside of my open window, whispers and laughs and accidental screams. Before I even gazed through my curtain I had a feeling it would be her. I must’ve been hot. As the curtain softly swayed open, the sound of kids laughing and running away grew softer with each step further they went. Should I be worried that she knows where I live? I just hope she gets home safe and in time for supper.

A couple of days later, my friends and I had just wrapped up a yogic photoshoot on the beach in Malibu. Everything felt of a dream. The sun was burning as it lowered in the sky while the blue skies melted away with it. We were just three girls being girls, frolicking,skipping and laughing along the shoreline, hoodies on and toes beginning to get cold. I oddly was thinking about her in that very moment, a sensation of heat building within me and just as my gaze moved right, there she was, peaking out from behind a large rock. We met eyes, both glew a tiny twinkle in them. We shared a knowing smile with a gentle wave and I continued on, as did she, running and playing with her little friends. Funnily enough, I anticipated her showing up here. It seems like something she’d like to witness. I guess I’m really good at playing Hot or Cold, or maybe my intuition works overtime.

We caught eachother’s eye once again. My vinyasa class was full, making the energy of the room contagious. Every pose was meshing together seamlessly, breath was riding into movement effortlessly and my confidence was at an all time. As I looked in the mirror towards my students, she was lurking in the back corner. I should’ve been scared but instead a sense of comfort washed over me. Once again, we shared a knowing smile. This time I was gifted a thumbs up. To not distract me, she left quickly and quietly, tip-toeing with her pointer finger resting over her pursed lips to aide her in staying quiet. This time, I was the one who let out a giggle. Little me must think what I do is so cool.

Like I mentioned in my last post, last week’s dinner party theme was Poland. For the first time yet, neither me nor my roommates had any guests available to come that day. We enjoyed a cozy evening and everything reminded me of home. Eating pierogies and Keilbasa that I found at the Polish deli earlier that morning, along with my mom’s favorite chocolate bar that was treated like gold growing up for dessert. We watched Haunting of Hill House snuggled up on the couch. I’ve already seen that show years ago with my sister. I would stay up too late on school nights in her dark cold room and watch for hours. It seems like my secret admirer had a feeling about that. I swear I saw her shadow walk past with those soft little taps of her tiptoes. I think she was trying to scare me. She should know I’m not easily frightened.

Fall is the most nostalgic season of all. Usually it’s depressing for me every year, to be reminded of frosty high school mornings or the holidays that are around the corner that won’t ever feel the same again. This year is different. The dread of winter feels less daunting and the cool, crisp air, more refreshing. I played hookie last Wednesday and fully embraced this change of season. I spent the day baking pumpkin banana bread and making sweet potato wild rice soup. With all of the fall scented candles bathing the air and steam from my chai tea rising up as I stood at the counter in my favorite wool socks, these little arms wrapped themselves around my waist. They were burning hot. The game of Hot and Cold has gotten near enough to leave marks on my skin. I turned around slowly, knowingly and held her warm face in my hands. A single tear shed from both of our right eyes. I knelt down to her level and gave her a strong embrace. She pulled away and told me her grandma was calling for her, that it was time for dance class and I let her run off into the distance. I know she’ll be back again soon. I asked her to say hi to our Grandma for me

When my inner child feels safe enough to come so near, I know love and comfort and warmth must be here.