Good morning folks!
I say Good morning because it is currently 6:14 am.
I am sitting in bed, with my freshly brewed cup of coffee next to me, smelling the French vanilla aromatics. Allowing time for it to cool down before I take my first heavenly sip.
My head slightly hurts, but I know it’ll go away.
My cat is knocking at my door and I’m at peace, listening to the hard raindrops hit the wooden roof above me. The best sound, and has come to be my favorite, living here in the rainiest place of all.
This is new and spontaneous for me, to be writing so early in the morning, but perhaps with a new era, comes new habits.
In my mind - this is a lovely way to wake up :)
I haven’t forgot about you. I think about you every single day.
Do you wanna know a secret? I didn’t expect you guys to think about me, or miss me, but I’ve been proven wrong.
It’s quite refreshing, to text a friend you haven’t spoken to in months to catch up, and one of the first things they say is “and where has the blog been?”
Quite meaningful when your friends randomly threatens you in your group chat “Amy if you don’t post another blog soon I’m coming to Washington and stealing all of your socks!” *My socks are precious to me, solmatesocks should sponsor me* -literally word for word, thank you Sanaya
And powerful, when you go back to your hometown to visit family and in the first night your dad states quite obviously “You haven’t been blogging.” Especially when you didn’t know he even read them.
I’m here and I really do want to be here.
The other week I went for a hike by myself. It was cold, but lively. Greener than you’d expect. I was attempting to stay conscious of where my eyes were, aiming them up rather than down towards my next steps, appreciating the nature surrounding me. I’d pause, and take a deep breath or two. I love the smell of green. *yes green is definitely a scent*
It felt entirely meditative. I brought my headphones to finish my podcast I was listening to, but decided to listen to the leaves swaying around and the swirl of thoughts within.
Good me time. Deserved me time. Time to recenter my focus on myself, my heart, my mind. Time to ask myself needed questions.
I took another deep breath *Inhale*
First I felt the pride of being independent. Moving across the country. Buying a car. Paying bills.
*Exhale*
I made it so far.
*Inhale*
Enjoy this moment, remember this scent.
*Exhale*
….Do I really want to be a writer?
The saying is “if you really wanted to, you would” instantly came to mind. And clearly, I am not.
*More thoughts bubble to the surface*
Humans have this impending pressure,egotistical feeling that they must “change the world” or “make a difference”.
Do I want to change the world? Do I claim that pressure?
We can’t find answers without asking questions.
So I asked again… Do I want to be a writer? Do I need to change the world?
Or do I just want to experience it?
Simultaneously during this inner dialogue of mine, a bird starts singing right above me. No one is around me, it seems as if I’m entirely alone in this forest. I pause, and breathe slowly to the majestic music of this bird.
But was given no clear answers. I keep walking. I keep crunching leaves under me. I keep filing through my own thoughts. My nose is cold while my hands found a warm home in my jacket pockets.
Then, I hear a shuffle of bushes right beside me. First instinct I was ready to kill a mf creeping around *oh i love being a woman*
I look over suspiciously, right into the gleamy eyes of a Doe.
I stare at her, she stares at me. Neither of us seem to have an inkling of fear of the other. I slowly start walking closer to her.
I’m off path now, walking downhill in mud, unsure if I could get back up, but I kept inching closer and closer. No clear reason why. I don’t even know if deer are safe, but I continue.
We are face to face now, in each other’s company. I tell her aloud how pretty she is. Then she starts slowly walking forward, calmly continuing on her path, which was in the same direction as mine.
Now, I was planning on turning around and re-tracing my foot steps back to my car, not trusting myself to follow the right path all the way through.
But I felt like the deer was leading me, so I followed.
As she walked, I walked.
All of a sudden, I was back at the entrance.
I took all of the right steps.
I got my answer.
I need to experience life.
But.. I got into my car, whipped out my Notes App and started writing this.
Both. I can do both.
I can write for pleasure, instead of out of pain.
I don’t need to change the world, I just need to live in my own.
The problem was - I’m not the same girl who started this blog. Her lifestyle was completely different. She was sad and depressed. She was feeling stuck and hopeless at times. She spent a lot of the time in her head,because her physical world wasn’t fulfilling.
I’m not there anymore. Emotionally, mentally, physically.
The struggle of writing recently is a multitude of things but I think the strongest factor was I couldn’t think of anything heavy or deep to talk about. I wasn’t resonating with any of my ideas. I can’t force myself to be sad and have deep, profound thoughts on society.
We evolve. As we should. Gratefully.
Then I had an epiphany, I’m the boss here.
This blog should be a representation of me, not the other way around.
If I change, the blog can change.
It’s been over a year since the birth of Inside Amy’s Mind.
(Happy Birthday btw)
We shifted from 2022 to 2023.
I moved across the country.
Things are different.
So lets grow up and create our next chapter.
Welcome to Season 2 of Inside Amy’s Mind :)
The revamp
*if you’re on my website, you can notice the background color changed from a dark blue to a pastel green*
That’s a solid representation of my shift in mindset.
And lets be honest- dark blue is so New Jersey and light green is so Washington.
In this new Chapter I wont be limiting myself to “themes” or “ideas”. I still want to post deep thoughts when they come to me, but lets lighten things up a bit.
Let’s talk my daily routine, my goals, conversations, mindset shifts, new habits etc.
It’s really not that deep.
Okay I love you :) I have to get up and ready for work now TTYL
Ill be back, don’t forget about me xoxoxoxo
-Amy
I was just having a conversation with my friend yesterday about how I’m not really in the mood to change the world and I just want to live. Our twenties are so precious and arguably the best decade of our lives. Just live babyyyyyy.